There must be something inherently wrong with me. There has to be something that keeps people away. In both my social life and my work life. I float through life with acquaintances but no real friendships. I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in, present but not really a participant. I don’t really fit in anywhere.
I hang out with friends, but sometimes I feel I’m there by default, because of my husband. They are his friends and I’m just a tag along. If it wasn’t for his friendship, I wouldn’t be there.
At work, it’s the same. Rarely do I socialize with anyone. I could sit in my office all day and not have a conversation with anyone at all. In a building that employees 300+ people. Just a wave or hello, as I pass them in the hallway. It can get very lonely. I don’t even talk to my fellow programmers and they are right outside my door.
So there has to be something wrong with me, that keeps people away. Maybe I just need to be a nosy bitch and start sticking my nose in other people’s business. Maybe they’d notice me then.
I live and work with others. I’m surrounded. But most of the time I feel I have no one to talk to about stuff. I can’t talk about work at home. I can’t talk about home and family with anyone at work. Hell, I can barely talk about work at work. I’m even isolated there because even though I’m one of 10 developers, we do not work in teams, or even pairs. We each work on our own thing.
I feel like I’m alone in a crowd.
Ever feel like that?