I Wish I Could Do It Over

While I was pregnant, my mother came up a week before I was due to stay with me and she spent a lot of time cooking, and cleaning the house getting it ready for the new baby. When I went into labor, naturally my father and sister drove all the way up from central FL to central AL to see their new grand-daughter/niece. They were staying with us and when the new family (myself, husband and baby) arrived home everyone huddled around the baby. My husband felt very self-concious about it and felt they were judging his abilities as a new dad. Our house is pretty small so the only place for my sister to sleep was on the couch. My husband felt uncomfortable so I told my sister to sleep on the floor in the spare room with my parents.

My dad and sister were so heartbroken that I’d shunned them when they had done so much to help get the house ready. And they had come all that way to share in the joy of a new family member. But I treated them so horribly that they left the next day, instead of staying and enjoying the new baby. To this day, I still cry and feel so guilty whenever I think of how badly I behaved. I barely remember them being around, because they were there so briefly and for part of the time I was still not aware of my surroundings because of the drugs.

My husband doesn’t understand that part of our family. We gather and experience everything together. My family wasn’t judging his parenting skills. They were admiring the new baby.

If I could do it all again, I would do so many things differently, from the moment my water broke to several weeks after the baby was born. But most importantly I wouldn’t push my family away at such an important time, just to quell my husband’s insecurities. I don’t think I’ll ever get past the guilt and regret for the way I treated them.

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